Oran's Birth Story

 A friend of mine recommended that I write Oran’s birth story down so that I can look back on it later. 7 months in and I’m finally getting around to it. Although I would have loved to have written all of this down sooner, I have had a lot of time to reflect on Oran’s arrival and how God works things together for good.

My pregnancy with Oran was pretty smooth. Despite having lost Amara 2 years earlier, I was surprisingly at peace. (If you are new here, you can read about our Amara Joy here). Because of my history of losing Amara, however, I was going in for additional sonograms with a high-risk doctor. Even though I wasn’t technically considered high risk, my doctor wanted to do some additional monitoring to be sure. Every appointment that Trenton and I went to for 8 months was perfect. There were no health concerns. Trenton and I went in for our last scan with the high-risk doctor on May 18^th. Everything seemed routine as they did the sonogram and we heard Oran’s heartbeat, the one thing I held my breath for at each checkup. After the sonographer left the room, we expected to be released within a few minutes as was typical of these appointments. But we waited. Enter anxious thoughts. I could feel that something was wrong and my heart was starting to sink. Finally, the doctor came in. Another red flag, as she normally sent her nurse in to release us. More anxious thoughts entered.

“Good news is baby is fine for now.”

More anxious thoughts. Heart and stomach sinking. Body numbing.

She went on to explain that the typical amount of fluid they measure on sonograms at this point in pregnancy was about 13 cm. and my fluid was sitting at 52 cm. with no explanation as to why. She explained that there could be something going on with Oran that couldn’t be seen on a sonogram, something we wouldn’t know until he was born, something that could require minor surgery. She also said it could be nothing and that sometimes there is no explanation. She then recommended that we check in at the hospital that evening to start the inducing process because we were looking at the possibility of a prolapsed umbilical cord and stillbirth if we didn’t intervene.

8 months pregnant, just been told that there could be something wrong with my baby and that he is coming a whole month earlier than expected. My peaceful pregnancy was no longer.

Trenton and I drove home to gather up our hospital bags, which I had insisted we pack just a few days prior. Thank you, Type A personality. I cried the whole way home while Trenton called family to inform them. I wasn’t in a state to talk to anyone.

We arrived at the hospital about an hour and a half later (around 5 or 6 PM on May 18^th) and Oran came safely into the world at 11:12 PM on May 19^th. I’ll spare you most of the details, but despite the long labor, it was beautiful. Trenton slow danced with me through so many of my contractions and reminded me of how strong and capable I was.  I still look back on this and smile. It is so telling of the kind of man that Trenton is. And at the end of it all, we had a healthy baby boy.

We still don’t know why I had so much fluid and we may never have an answer. But as I have reflected on Oran’s birth story, I can’t help but think of how Amara’s story played a HUGE role in getting our son here safely.

I do not believe in the phrase, “Everything happens for a reason” but I do believe that God redeems. “We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him.” (Romans 8:28). He did not cause Amara Joy’s death, but he continues to show us his goodness and love through her story.

Because of our history with losing Amara, we were going to see a high-risk doctor for my pregnancy with Oran. Since we were seeing a high-risk doctor, we were able to catch that I had too much fluid. As a result, we were able to intervene so that Oran could be born safely into this world.  Big sister Amara was looking out for her little brother.

I do not believe that Amara had to die so that Oran could live. Oran could have still been born healthy had Amara lived. But God took a terrible situation and showed us how much he loves both of our babies. He allowed us to see our Amara become a protective big sister in a spiritual sense even though we won’t ever see it physically. What a beautiful reunion in Heaven it’s going to be someday. ­­

 

All I Want for Christmas

The iconic 1994 song by Mariah Carey has taken on a whole new meaning for me this year. It has been incrementally playing in my head since Monday, Nov. 26^th.

For those of you who do not know, Trenton and I found out we were pregnant in August of this year. This is something we had planned but were surprised that it happened so quickly.  While we did have fears, we were also excited to meet our little one in April of 2019. I began a baby registry almost immediately after seeing those 2 pink lines.

We had our first ultrasound at the end of September. Our baby’s heartbeat was perfect and she looked healthy. Our doctor couldn’t see all that she wanted to, due to it being too early, so she sent us in for another sonogram at the beginning of October. Of course, I was anxious leading up to this sonogram. I couldn’t stop thinking that there could be something wrong with our little one. Even so, I knew that most of my fears never come to fruition, and I was sure that all of it was just in my head. Deep down, I believed our baby was healthy, but I was still scared.

We began announcing our pregnancy to friends, extended family, workplaces and church family after 12 weeks (week before our 2^nd sonogram). I also had the cute pregnancy announcement picture ready to post on social media after our next sonogram. A post I would never get to make.

October 8^th came. Our sonogram day. I sat in the waiting room shaking. I was surprised when they took my blood pressure and it was normal. The sonogram tech came in and did the sonogram. We got to see how much of a wiggle worm our little one was. I loved seeing her sweet little feet kick. After the sonogram tech left, the doctor came in and looked at a few things himself. Then came the words I thought I would never hear, “There’s something wrong with your baby.” We were told she likely had a genetic condition and that she probably wasn’t going to make it due to the severity of the scan. I don’t remember much of what the doctor said after that. I kept waiting for him to say, “I’m joking, your baby is healthy.” I know that’s irrational to think that a doctor would tell you that mean of a joke, but I didn’t care. It couldn’t be real. I screamed. I couldn’t catch my breath. I pleaded with God. Trenton and I sat in that office for what felt like an eternity, holding each other and sobbing, waiting for the doctor to come back and tell us he made a mistake. But it didn’t happen. Our sweet nurse did pray over us and our little one, and we felt God wrap his arms around us in that moment, but we were still upset and angry.

After our visit, we were sent to do more tests to find out exactly what was wrong. After a week of waiting on blood test results, we got a call telling us our baby was a sweet little girl and that she likely had Down Syndrome. We decided to name her Amara Joy, meaning Eternal Joy. Trenton and I could have sworn we saw her smile in a 3-D sonogram a few weeks earlier, so the name fit her perfectly.

Last Bump Picture

 At our next appointment, our doctor surprised us by telling us that the Down Syndrome diagnosis meant that Amara was likely going to survive. Of course, there would be some challenges along the way, but she was going to live. I started reading books about children with disabilities, and I got in contact with a few people in Abilene who had children with Down Syndrome. Even so, there was something in my heart that wouldn’t let me accept that our Amara was going to live. I think I was trying to protect myself from any more terrible news that we might receive.

We waited 4 LONG weeks for our next sonogram. Finally, November 19^th came. This time, my blood pressure wasn’t so great. (It’s not supposed to be this way, but I really hate sonograms.) The sonogram tech came in again, and as soon as she left the room I knew something was wrong. They always let you hear the heart beat, but this time she didn’t. I knew what that meant. Trenton tried to tell me that they may have just forgotten, but I knew. My heart was no longer beating alongside our little girl’s. The doctor came in soon after and confirmed the news. Amara had likely passed away around 16 weeks, about 2-3 weeks prior to the 19^th. Trenton and I cried for the loss of our sweet girl, but tried to rest in the fact that she was with Jesus. That she would never experience the pain of this world. We even got to experience her smile before she left us, and I was so thankful for that.

We set our inducement date for November 25^th. We got to the hospital on Sunday at 4 p.m. and began the process of inducing around 6 p.m. Thankfully, the labor went a lot quicker than expected and I delivered our sweet Amara Joy at 2:29 a.m. Monday morning. She weighed 2 oz and was 5.25 inches long. Her hands and feet were so small and her legs were so long just like her daddy’s. We spent 12 short hours with her, and family got to hold her. We took pictures with her and a few keepsakes. Pictures that we’ll cherish forever. Pictures that will have to hold the place of not having our girl here with us.

Amara's hand and footprints

But pictures aren’t what I want for Christmas this year. Even though I am so very thankful that our Amara Joy will never experience pain, that this world will never hurt her in any way, I selfishly want our baby girl here with us. Our baby who made me a Mom and Trenton a Dad. Our angel baby. Our Amara Joy.  But pictures will have to do for now. At least until we all are in Heaven together. 

Be Vulnerable

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”-C.S. Lewis

Sometimes I look back on my past, and cringe at what lies to waste. We all have our skeletons in the closet. I use to be terrified to admit to mine, thinking that people might think less of me, and cast me aside. But something beautiful happened when I chose to share my story. I was accepted. I was loved. And I was able to connect with people closest to me on an entirely different level.

Tonight at bible study, I was reminded of the importance of this vulnerability. What would happen if no one was willing to open up about their past or the problems going on in their lives? Would we ever learn anything?

Vulnerability is scary, but I believe it is necessary to grow in relationship and learn from one another. I cannot live my life with my heart locked away. I choose to love. I choose to learn. I choose to grow. I choose to be vulnerable.

I'm Not There Yet, But I'm Working On It

Yes, it's been a while but I finally found something to talk about. :)


"I do not mean that I am already as God wants me to be. I have not yet reached that goal, but I continue trying to reach it and to make it mine. Christ wants me to do that, which is the reason he made me his." -Philippians 3:12

In this verse, Paul, an apostle for Jesus, is confessing to the church in Ephesus that he is no where near perfect. He is just an average human being who makes mistakes but is still striving to be like Christ. In previous verses of this chapter he talks about the life he led before he came to know Christ. Paul was a Pharisee. He went around hurting the church, threatening to kill all of the followers of Jesus. He thought he was doing the right thing and he felt very strong about his beliefs and actions because of his strict view of the law. However, he then goes on to say that he realized that none of that was worth anything because of Christ. Paul says in Philippians 3:8, "Because of him, I have lost all those things, and now I know they are worthless trash."

Here's a man that didn't know Christ. Infact, he spent his life persecuting Christ's followers. He held onto his beliefs firmly and then BAM! Christ's comes into his life and he is forever changed. He becomes this amazing person who loves God with all his heart. He spreads God's word and is able to help others come to know Christ. You would think this story would end happily.

However, all of a sudden, Paul finds himself behind bars for trying to be a Light for Christ in a world full of darkness. That sounds pretty backwards! Yet, Paul doesn't show one bit of anger as he writes to his friends in Ephesus, thanking them for their support and encouraging them to keep following Christ. He's still grounded in God and striving to be like Him even after being thrown in prison for it. That's dedication!

Paul knows that God is not finished with him yet. He knows that he has not yet achieved to be the man he is meant to be. Infact, Paul continues in Philippians 3:13-14: "Brothers and sisters, I know that I have not yet reached that goal, but there is one thing I always do. Forgetting the past and straining toward what is ahead. I keep trying to reach the goal and get the prize for which God called me through Christ to the life above."

This is something I find myself reflecting on. I tend to find the smallest things in life that keep me from moving onward to the person God has meant for me to be. Yet, Paul was thrown in PRISON and he still didn't give up trying to reach the goal Christ had set out for him.

I realize that a lot of my VERY FEW posts have been about the future God has in store for me. I guess it's just something that goes through your mind a lot when you're a senior in high school. With that being said, I know that I'm going to find a whole different set of obstacles when I get to college. I have no idea what those obstacles are going to be but I know they will be there. The important thing is to not give up and to keep striving to be the person I'm meant to be.

My Path

I've been wandering on my road and I feel as if I've lost my sense of direction. I've come to a dead
halt and I do not have my '93 mercury topaz to drive me out of there (a little lol moment).
Sure, I put on a good show but honestly, I haven't REALLY been looking for any guidance. Therefore, I'm just standing there. I don't want to walk any further. I'm not prepared for this. No one told me the Life road was going to be THIS hard. I mean sure, I've heard the occassional "stay young as long as you can," but seriously, couldn't you give me a little more detailed advice. "Come on, work with me here." But it's too late, I'm on my own. Sure, I've got my family and friends but they're walking down their road at the moment. Finally, I fall down on my knees and cry out for help. It is then that I hear a faint voice. It's God and he's calling out for me as well. Me...of all people!

I think Casting Crowns put it pretty well in their song, In Me, when they said "How refreshing to know You don't need me, how amazing to find that You want me" and also, "I'll never get by living on my own ability." It is all too true.

I cannot possibly get by in life living on my own ability. It's impossible. And don't say it's not because it most definitely is. But sometimes, we are just too proud to ask for help. We go through one struggle and we think "Oh, it's no biggie. I can do this by myself" and then we go through another struggle and we say the same thing. But then...everything starts to overflow. You're carrying a huge burden on your shoulders and you cannot lift it off alone. The burden pushes you to the ground and you finally call out for help. And God hears you. He actually hears you. Even though you have refused his presence for so long, he hears you and he wants you. He doesn't need you at all, but he wants you. And sometimes, all we want is to be wanted.

GOD WANTS ME. I've refused his presence for so long and yet he wants me. He doesn't need me, he wants me. Therefore, I'm here, typing this. And I'm trusting in the Lord to get me through every stepping stone in my life. I'm setting my sights on his word and I'm going to fall in love with Him.

In Grateful Conclusion

Oy. I must admit that this year has been slightly hectic with the ups and downs of being a junior in high school. There have been times when I thought I could not possibly make it through another day. However, I've managed to keep my head held high and I am oh so grateful to say that this year is finally coming to an end.

The start of the year was only a sneak preview of what my life would be like. The first week was absolutley horrid and I remember coming home and crying after the very first day. Tears were rolling down my face as I raced to finish the overload of homework I was given. It was completley and utterly ridiculous. Thankfully, things began to slow down slightly as the year progressed, but at times I could feel the stress of school work preparing to crush me.

Along with the struggle of school, various other storms have rolled through my life. Although I do not care to mention all of these events I will say that a rainbow, in any shape or form, does appear after every storm. For instance, I have a much closer bond with my girlfriends, and I feel like I have gained so much through developing friendships. Within this past year I have also discovered that I would like very much to travel, not just throughout the U.S., but to various other countries as well. It most definitely excites me to find that my heart is eager to do mission work and I absolutely cannot wait for college to put all of my interests into use.

It is quite obvious to me that even though I have experienced some hecticness throughout the year, I have managed to gain understanding of the fact that God has a plan for my life. He has most definitely shown me that He remains to be there no matter how many times I get frustrated with Him, and despite every struggle I have gone through, I still believe my life to be truly blessed.

In saying all of this, I would like to leave you with one of my favorite scriptures:

"I say this because I know what I am planning for you," says the Lord. "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future. Then you will call my name. You will come to me and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will search for me. And when you search for me with all your heart, you will find me! I will let you find me."--Jeremiah 29:11-14

Love Through It All

Sometimes its hard to be a good friend. Sometimes you have no idea what to do or what to say. And Sometimes, you've said all you can say and leaving it up to God is all you can do.

Haven't you ever just needed a friend to sit with you when the going got tough, or someone to listen to you as you sat there and rambled on about everything that seemed to be going wrong in your life? I can honestly say that I have needed this from time to time, and I know I'm not the only one. Lets face it, life pretty much SUCKS when you don't have a friend.

Although friendships are difficult at times, I believe that if you make it a key to love someone through it all, you are capable of being a good friend. Of course, this is never easy due to the fact that we are all human and we all make so many mistakes. Sometimes people are going to let you down and you're going to be upset. But maybe, if we put down our pride, we will be able to look past a person's flaw and realize that we all make mistakes and that nobody is perfect.

I have always made it a point, or atleast tried my best, to love a person no matter what. You can't say you'll love someone IF they don't hurt you, IF they do this, or IF they do that. You've got to look at it as I'll love this person DESPITE the fact that they let you down, DESPITE the fact that they have this flaw or that flaw. I think in order to be a good friend you HAVE to Love that person NO MATTER WHAT.

So maybe next time a friend disappoints us, we can find it in ourselves to swallow every bit of pride we have, and love them Despite (fill in blank here). After all, what happens when the tables turn, and you're the one needing a friend?